The Moon at its full /06-27-10

the moon at its full after yesterday's downpour.

Something to look forward to each night outside my window. Something to remind me that, being the earth's only satellite, it is way sadder to be pinched forever in the sky, be adored from the distance, and be dependent on someone else's warmth.

at dusk

The silence that guards the tomb does not reveal God's
secret in the obscurity of the coffin, and the rustling of the branches whose
roots suck the body's elements do not tell the mysteries of the grave, by the
agonized sighs of my heart announce to the living the drama which love, beauty,
and death have performed.

Minsan ay tumapak ako sa Cebu, hindi ko na maalis ang paa ko.

I can feel them staring awkwardly bedazzled behind our backs as the 3 of us head straight to the main entrance of the departure area at Mactan airport, Cebu. More so, I know they are looking through to me as I have not bid farewell nor turn my back as i pushed open the glass door revealing the vast space of the airport's lobby occupied with people running their own errands. Funny how a space as big as this lobby get horrendously crowded when my fist-big heart is dreadfully empty this very minute. In my mind I know it will take years before i ever get to step my feet again in this place... this same place where any moment now will dust off the last footsteps I marked on its ground... this same place where less than a minute now will just be like my own home, always will I seek the joy and comfort of.

"May chicken bone sa throat ko" , this was my alibi at the end part of a retreat I attended with my classmates wayback 6th grade. Exactly how i feel today. May chicken bone sa throat ko and I'm certain it'll burst in my tear gland before we even reach Manila. So there, what happened next is just between me, ate Katz, kuya Patrick and the free coffee being served at PAL. Well, there are onlookers, god bless their souls. Hahahaha!

We cry for 2 reasons: either we are terribly sad or extremely happy. Mine's bothways. Extremely happy, kasi i know i have a family there when i return (hopefully next year? ). Terribly sad, kasi I will miss the homy ambiance of everyone's presence... like I've been with them all my life and to be departed is such a torture.

Guess what, the torture's still on.
Ibalik nyo ako sa Cebu!!!






Cebu, May 17-23, 2010

I remember you as you were in the last autumn.

Lapu-lapu Shrine, May 2010

involuntary servitude

Let me not speak for my heart, for I will only speak the words that might lead me to my death bed.


Let me not write my thoughts, for my hand solely scribble the struggle of the lost kid in me.. thus revealing the battered side this soul with great effort had tried to omit in the naked eyes.


Let me not move, for every motion this tender body make relives the long time dead passion of the used to be "other piece".


Shut my mouth, It can only speak of him.

Cloud my mind, It can only think of him.

Freeze my body, It lives for him.



been a prisoner for a long time already, badly needed a parole.

Keep Moving Forward

Despite my anticipation of what lies ahead, the first steps always scare the hell out of me.

Where to now? Where to this time around? I don't know. Just, the need to quit flooded in and drowned me. Just, I simply crave my own space to breathe. Just, I found it utterly absurd to deny the pain of a protruding wisdom tooth. Ang sakit kaya!


Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long.

We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious.....And curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.

-Walt Disney, Meet the Robinsons


Scares me more thinking, CURIOSITY KILLS THE CAT. waaa!

I won't say goodbye. Family simply won't.

This isn't a search for a greener path, that I'm certain of.

Looking back, this wasn't the easy ride I imagined it to be rather a bumpy one with always a surprise turns and detours. I found myself all bruised up from the slaps and smacks my impulsive nature got me in. It can always get crazier but then, that was one hella ride.

I don't know how to bid farewell to these persons I share a laugh with everyday when just the thought of spitting the word out breaks my heart. Just the thought of seeing the gloom on their faces makes it harder to start packing up my things. I will surely miss them. They were, they are.. and probably will always be a FAMILY to me.

To ate Weng : Mamimiss ko ang ingay mo. Hahaha! You are truly blessed with powerful larynx that can command a battalion. Hahaha! I dunno if I mentioned it yet, but you are an ideal ate. Very protective and caring. Thank you for being such a tough companion, i felt secured and very well guarded with your presence. Most of all, thank you for the friendship. I will never survive my first 2 weeks here without your company.

To Mary-ness : Mamimiss ko kadaldalan mo neng. Hahaha! You oriented me well into gossiping and I enjoyed every minute of it. No, seriously. Perhaps I envied your being carefree and lighthearted-ness. I always wanted to be like one but then I matured too early. Hahahaha! Enjoy the peak of your youth and sing out your life to the fullest. I will miss you certainly. I hope to keep the friendship.

To ate Winnie : May inaanak ako sayo, tandaan mo yan at sigurado dadami utang ko jan. Hahahaha! Thank you for sharing your home with us. Mamimiss ko ang dalawang anakins mo at syempre ikaw din. I'll try to visit sometimes.

To ste Loida : ang stepmom ng lahat. Hahahaha! Huwag mo naman payamanin ang iba, i-share mo na lang sa amin pera ha? :)) I will miss you and your kalimot modes. Sana malasing mo ako next time. Hahahah!

To Madam : the iyakin. You are simply amazing. Parang smart lang, simpy amazing. Hahaha! I have a lot to thank you for. First and foremost, for making me feel that I am family. I have not missed home very much dahil sa inyo. For giving off a part of yourself, for sharing your home.. your life to me. It was indeed the most thrilling adventure I had. You were truly a blessing the times that I faced some difficulties in life, be it financially or emotionally. I don't know how to thank you and your better half. I will forever consider you both as family because you truly are.. by heart.

I won't say goodbye. Family simply won't.

I will see you all again.

You will be missed.

with all my love,
qaiqai

We were no angels.

We were right there chasing sunsets, pulling sunrise.

We flew recklessly beyond the open spaces of our imaginations.. danced our way through the cobwebs.. bruised our hearts .. failed our minds.

We stammered in between wheeze chaining lies.. braiding it firmly yet gasped and stuttered purity of the angels made out of us.

We were loud and proud wearing our halos when we found out..Were no angels.
WE NEVER WERE.

Cut na daw sabi ni Direk.

Totoo pala na kahit anong tatag ang pundasyon ng isang pamilya, darating ang panahon na susubukin ang tatag ng mga palupo at mga haligi nito na dugo at pawis nating itinayo. Akala ko sa pelikula lang nangyayari ang mga pagsubok at trahedya sa isang pamilya. Akala ko sa script lang nababasa ang mga salitang nakakadurog ng puso at nagbibigay ng luha sa mga mata. Kapag sumigaw ang direktor ng " CUT! " , tapos na ang palabas.


Mahaba na ng gabi, ang tagal mag pack up.

Ang dami na naming puyat, lalo na yung lead roles namin.. si nay at tay. :(

Pero may tiwala ako kay Direk sa taas. He knows best and the perfect timing to say, " CUT! " then.. all the angels will applause for a well performed role.

( beautiful sunrise sa bukid )

The sun’ll come out, tomorrow,
Bet your bottom dollar, that tomorrow,
There’ll be sun,
Just thinkin’ about, tomorrow,
Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow, till’ there’s none,
When I’m stuck with a day, that’s grey and lonely,
I just stick out my chin, and grin, and say,
Oh, the sun’ll come out tomorrow,
So you gotta’ hang on till’ tomorrow,
Come what may.
Tomorrow tomorrow, I love you tomorrow,
Your’e only a day away.

My windows ache

So i will wait for you like a lonely house till you come back again and live with me.

Until then my windows ache.

:(