"I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies."

"An Angel in the book of life wrote down your baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."

To G'lhie: I may never really decipher the depths of the grief being on your shoes, ( anything close to grief is an understatement now ) but know that nothing will change between members of the family. Remember those dress up and paper dolls days? If someone got beat up, WE GOT YOUR BACK.

"Daddy please don't look so sad,momma please don't cry.

Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.

please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.

Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.

You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.

I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.

I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.

Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.

You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.

That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.

Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.

When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,

Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.

So daddy don't look so sad and mommy please don't cry.

I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"

♥♥♥

Mark 10:14~ "And Jesus said, Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these"

Do not burst my bubble

Alam mo yung feeling pag tino-torture ka ng sakit ng ngipin magdamag? then in the morning inom ka ng pain reliever? in less than 10 minutes ramdam mo na yung epekto ng gamot. And in that moment when the pain is gently subsiding, you feel HEAVEN. And you wanna hold onto it forever.

Much like LIFE and LOVE.

I, myself, had my fair share of "tootache". The worse if not the worst case I never imagined would happen to me. The Ms. Goody-two-shoes I am, who would envision me being dragged down in a mayhem by LOVE itself? I must have done terrible things in my past life to deserve such a "tootache". But then again, maybe not. Maybe that person, though a bit harsh and heartless, did something good in his lifetime to deserve me. >:) I'll take the latter. :))

Enough for the pause-rewind. Pain reliever had scoop me up from the turmoil and my heaven is currently at hand. Bliss defined.

Don't burst my bubble. :P

Realidad

Goodbye dear heartache

I used to bump into the same walls, constantly bruising my ego while the door stand cold in one corner, halfway opened.

Goodbye dear heartache.

You served me well. :)

♥♥♥

I only have two words for you, IM DONE.

Yeah, I still love you and probably will for a long time.. but I can’t stay here anymore.
It hurts too much.. I guess this is moving on

I guess I’m tired of being the last thing on ur mind.

You took my love and threw it away as if it were nothing
To me ur everything but to you I’m just another meantime girl..
You hurt me more than I deserve, how can you be so cruel?
I love you more than you deserve, why am I such a fool?

Little did I know that you were just another dead end road made with pretty lies and broken dreams..

Suddenly I’m hating myself for everything I’ve ever felt for you..
Sometimes I wish I could go back and erase the day I met you.. but then, I will never regret loving you only believing you love me too…

Watching you walk out of my life doesn’t make me bitter about love but rather makes me realize that..
if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person, how great it will be when the right one comes along..
There is no medication for this illness. No known cure other than
TIME

Maybe someday I’ll get back my heart, maybe someday I’ll get back my pride..
Maybe somewhere down the road I’ll forget to remember you..
One day you will seek love and be sorry that you threw mine away…
And one day you’ll realize you could have been with me..

One day I will be able to look u in the eyes without feeling the pain you’ve caused..
One day I will be able to stand next to you without wanting to hold ur hand..

ONE DAY I’LL GET OVER YOU..

I turned 26 first thing in the morning on the 1st day of March

"The best thing about a picture is that it never changes even if the people in it do. "

As my mother would always reiterate back then when I was at the brink of my childhood, " You were born Friday before the break of dawn and you cried like mad unlike your sisters who came out so peaceful". Ever so supportive of my mother, father would then add, " You awoke the whole neighborhood." Nice try for a show off Karen :)

I've outgrown the fairytales, moon beams and prince charming. I lost the idealism in me too. But then the jittery that birthdays gave me I say, Lord, Im a huge fan.

I turned 26 first thing in the morning on the 1st day of March. Cool. :)

" Kinapos na naman ang February kasi minadali para sa birthday mo.. that's why its always been special." -Kikay

February is always on the rush for my birthday. Beat that!

Tea is good for you.

( )ea is good for you.

Alam ko yun. Dati kasi akala ko everything is about WATER. Hindi ako aware na nag eexist pala ang ( )EA.

( )ea is good for you.

Alam ko yun. Hindi lahat ng uhaw ay kayang pawiin ng WATER. Alam ko gusto mo rin ng softdrinks pero nakasama sayo kaya itinigil mo na. Ayaw mo na rin ng kape, nagpa-palpitate ka kasi nung nasobrahan ka nun kaya unti unti mo na rin inalis sa pang araw araw mong buhay. Tanong ko sayo, may iba pa ba? sabi mo wala na, WATER lang kelangan mo.. kaya araw araw WATER ang sini-serve ko sayo.

( )ea is good for you.

Alam ko yun. Pare- pareho kasi ang lasa ng WATER. Kahit pa sabihin na distilled, mineral o purified pa.. pareho din yun. Nagsawa ka na.

( )ea is good for you.

Alam ko yun. Kaya nga i gave up the idea na magugustuhan mo pa ang WATER. Pwede ka kasi mag switch sa iba ibang flavor. Strawberry. Taco. Royal Milk. etc.

( )ea is good for you.

Alam ko yun. Pero bakit ka naghahanap ng WATER ngaun? Wala na, natuyo na ang reservoir.

Fire out. :D

I was at snail's pace browsing through piles of mp3's and some old playlist stored in my handy dandy flasher trying to unearth the 16 tracks from noel cabangon's self titled album. It wasn't the easy search-tab-it-silly thingy for stumbling upon each folders felt more like a dejavu painfully hitting that mending part of my heart. However, i pushed through finding them.. I did and wander off aimlessly. 

Yet, no more questions this time.

Just some silly stoking. 

I shouted, " fire out!" at last.

I won't say goodbye. Family simply won't.

This isn't a search for a greener path, that I'm certain of.

Looking back, this wasn't the easy ride I imagined it to be rather a bumpy one with always a surprise turns and detours. I found myself all bruised up from the slaps and smacks my impulsive nature got me in. It can always get crazier but then, that was one hella ride.

I don't know how to bid farewell to these persons I share a laugh with everyday when just the thought of spitting the word out breaks my heart. Just the thought of seeing the gloom on their faces makes it harder to start packing up my things. I will surely miss them. They were, they are.. and probably will always be a FAMILY to me.

To ate Weng : Mamimiss ko ang ingay mo. Hahaha! You are truly blessed with powerful larynx that can command a battalion. Hahaha! I dunno if I mentioned it yet, but you are an ideal ate. Very protective and caring. Thank you for being such a tough companion, i felt secured and very well guarded with your presence. Most of all, thank you for the friendship. I will never survive my first 2 weeks here without your company.

To Mary-ness : Mamimiss ko kadaldalan mo neng. Hahaha! You oriented me well into gossiping and I enjoyed every minute of it. No, seriously. Perhaps I envied your being carefree and lighthearted-ness. I always wanted to be like one but then I matured too early. Hahahaha! Enjoy the peak of your youth and sing out your life to the fullest. I will miss you certainly. I hope to keep the friendship.

To ate Winnie : May inaanak ako sayo, tandaan mo yan at sigurado dadami utang ko jan. Hahahaha! Thank you for sharing your home with us. Mamimiss ko ang dalawang anakins mo at syempre ikaw din. I'll try to visit sometimes.

To ste Loida : ang stepmom ng lahat. Hahahaha! Huwag mo naman payamanin ang iba, i-share mo na lang sa amin pera ha? :)) I will miss you and your kalimot modes. Sana malasing mo ako next time. Hahahah!

To Madam : the iyakin. You are simply amazing. Parang smart lang, simpy amazing. Hahaha! I have a lot to thank you for. First and foremost, for making me feel that I am family. I have not missed home very much dahil sa inyo. For giving off a part of yourself, for sharing your home.. your life to me. It was indeed the most thrilling adventure I had. You were truly a blessing the times that I faced some difficulties in life, be it financially or emotionally. I don't know how to thank you and your better half. I will forever consider you both as family because you truly are.. by heart.

I won't say goodbye. Family simply won't.

I will see you all again.

You will be missed.

with all my love,
qaiqai

My depressing early morning sickness

For more than a year now, i daintily deposit my whole being to the addictive remorse my fate had brought right under my nose. Somewhat depressing that it became a morning habit. Same questions have been ringing listlessly afloat in my head, same feeling like the moment i thought of them first.

Had they found no answers yet?

Papano nga ba?

HOW DO YOU HEAL A BROKEN HEART?

A Note for YOU.

I am tired of writing about you.

I am tired of reading the same regretful lines, the same sad story over and over again.

I hate the fact that you make a hopeless romantic sucker out of me.

:(

The trip back from eskapo.

" If some lives form a perfect circle, other take shape in ways we cannot predict or always understand. Loss has been part of my journey. But it has also shown me what is precious. So has love for which I can only be grateful. "

-Theresa Osborne [ MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE ]


On my way back to Manila, the sky was in connivance with my thoughts; CLOUDED that is.



..the sea flaunted the serenity, i didn't want to be parted with her just yet..
















.. but i have to go back to the noise and the hurry of the urban.

and start the search there where i lost my heart.

Sunglasses -the deep brown one.

Sunglasses has always been an additional bling to my homogeneous week-long fashion sense or uniform as what the company calls it. It does not only shield my specialized light-sensitive sensory structure from the harmful UV rays but also conceal the malady these two balls divulge when exposed.

Friday - another ordinary sunglasses day for me since summer is at its peak and el niño is making the season way steamy than the usual. So catching a dose of Vitamin D everyday is no sweat. Hello sunshine is the upbeat sound of my heart when halfway my typical route, i spot dark clouds brewing storm far north. Great. Sundance Sarah G. or Lloydie, please?

Thank you God for reminding me that I live in the tropics where the weather can get as surprising as the out of nowhere abrupt appearances of my boss. Teehee.

Droplets now starting to splatter along the avenue as the rays fight the dark clouds clogging their path. I look at each splatter through the deep brown sunglasses hanging below my brows. I watch skillfully like an artist trying to decipher the magic of nature's touch as droplets bathe the earth. Another storm brewing in.. right here inside my cage.

No, i won't remove my glasses.. not this time amidst this downpour. There is so much more to conceal now. So much.

In my solitude

I know now how it feels to be out here..
perforate on the shallow layer of the earth..
adore in distant glances of the passerby..
watch the constant motion of the sky..
and die in vain waiting..

Kung Ako Na Lang Sana - Bituin Escalante

I watched this late night show where Bituin Escalante was a guest singer and apparently she sang just before the show started.

" Heto ka na naman
Kumakatok sa aking pintuan,
Muling naghahanap ng makakausap..
At heto naman ako
Nakikinig sa mga kwento mong paulit-ulit lang..
Nagtitiis kahit nasasaktan. "

The song stirred something in me. Something I nursed for over a long period of time. Something I barely recalled these days and if I did, the recollection echoed like a voice in the wilderness vaguely murmured what was spoken of.

"Heto pa rin ako umaasang ang puso mo
Baka sakali pang ito'y magbago
Narito lang ako
Kasama mo buong buhay mo
Ang kulang na lang
Mahalin mo rin akong lubusan "

One thing I grasped being whisked off from my core was that, the happiness we get out of loving is dependent whether which it is reciprocated. If not, I call it rather a one way street sort of loving. One which I had even with him just within my reach.

" Kung ako na Lang sana ang 'yong minahal
Di ka na muling mag iisa,
Kung ako na Lang Sana ang 'yong minahal
Di ka na muling luluha pa.
Di ka na mangangailangan pang humanap ng iba.
Narito ang puso ko naghihintay lamang sayo.. "

What hurts the most back then was the sad fact that he needed someone else, not me. That however I tried to fit myself for his needs, it never filled his lacking. That whatever I wore, someone always got his head turned. That whoever I was with, never it bothered him I will be snatched out of his side. That whichever place he park, I will be right up popping in an instant.


It was another usual case of unrequited love. Whether it was me who didn't show much of what I really felt towards him back then, or him who was too much of a shy to spill out what he really meant with "u have a special place in my heart, Karen" , it doesn't matter now and probably won't matter anymore.


Just sometimes when the song floated in the air, He never failed to cross my mind and how he sobbed in that corner from the moment I sang the first verse down to the last words...

" Kung ako na Lang sana.. "

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Si Tu Me Olvidas ♥ If You Forget Me

"Si Tu Me Olvidas"
By Pablo Neruda

"If You Forget Me"

Quiero que sepas
una cosa.

I want you to know
one thing.

Tú sabes cómo es esto:
si miro
la luna de cristal, la rama roja
del lento otoño en mi ventana,
si toco
junto al fuego
la impalpable ceniza
o el arrugado cuerpo de la leña,
todo me lleva a ti,
como si todo lo que existe:
aromas, luz, metales,
fueran pequeños barcos que navegan
hacia las islas tuyas que me aguardan.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists:
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Ahora bien,
si poco a poco dejas de quererme
dejaré de quererte poco a poco.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

Si de pronto
me olvidas
no me busques,
que ya te habré olvidado.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

Si consideras largo y loco
el viento de banderas
que pasa por mi vida
y te decides
a dejarme a la orilla
del corazón en que tengo raíces,
piensa
que en esa día,
a esa hora
levantaré los brazos
y saldrán mis raíces
a buscar otra tierra.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

Pero
si cada día,
cada hora,
sientes que a mí estás destinada
con dulzura implacable,
si cada día sube
una flor a tus labios a buscarme,
ay amor mío, ay mía,
en mí todo ese fuego se repite,
en mí nada se apaga ni se olvida,
mi amor se nutre de tu amor, amada,
y mientras vivas estará en tus brazos
sin salir de los míos.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Depression is not something you can just snap out of.

Depression is not something you can just snap out of.

EXTREMES

I had a blast of recklessness last year.

*quitting my job
*getting myself into work related connivance ( so not me )
*hurting my former superiors BIG TIME! :(
*moving to another house ( again for the 4th time )
*applying for credit card and squander the credit balance until its very limit :(( ( which am still paying till now, huhu )
*and other things i don't want to mention anymore, haha!

" Extremes, though contrary, have the like effects. Extreme heat kills, and so extreme cold: extreme love breeds satiety, and so extreme hatred; and too violent rigor tempts chastity, as does too much license. "

I was the contrary of what i portrayed a year ago. I was on the extremely safe zone wherein the only thing that could put me in total danger is trip inside the CR and hit my head. It was then a vague thrill of excitement each time a surge of adrenaline rush through my veins. I let it pass though. I let all the thrill pass and die a natural death inside me. " Be in the safe zone, karen" said my danger-alarming cells.

How stupid was I to think that it was indeed the safe zone. That nothing could go wrong within the vicinity of that corner. That even death could not pass through and devour the whole of me. I was there inside its comfort yet i died.. many times.

I burned it down, the safe zone..

.. and went my own reckless ways. Haha!

If things don't work the safest way, try the hasty one.

Friendship vs Love

Repost from Jep Ce
Friendship vs Love
by: Nathan Stutte


Friendship is a quiet walk in the park with the one you trust
Love is when you feel like you are the only two around

Friendship is when they gaze into your eyes and you know they care
Love is when they gaze into your eyes and it warms your heart

Friendship is being close even when you are far apart
Love is when you can still feel their hand on your heart when they are not near

Friendship is hoping that they experience the very best
Love is when you bring them the very best

Friendship occupies your mind
Love occupies your soul

Friendship is knowing that you will always try to be there when in need
Love is when you will give up everything to be at their side

Friendship is a warm smile in the winter
Love is a warming touch that sends a pulse through your heart

Love is a beautiful smile to which nothing compares
A tender laugh, which opens your heart
A single touch that melts away your fears
A smell that reminds you of the tenderness of heaven
A voice that reminds you of the innocence of youth

Friendship can survive without love
Love cannot live without friendship


****
I felt the need to re-post.

Maybe because I was caught between those two extremes?

I miss my Sun

" You are sunlight and I moon
Joined by the gods of fortune
Midnight and high noon
Sharing the sky
We have been blessed, you and I .. "

First time to step on historic paves of Intramuros. It took me 4 years to appreciate Manila, haha!

The moon missed her sun a lot. They were never together you know.
Hay.
Depression.

My DIM world

Not that I succumb my very self on this murky abyss of sanity..

Not that I take refuge on this shadowy bend..

Not that I wallow, dreadful of what fate has brought forth..

I reside in this void four cornered dismal sheet..

... in search of my LIGHT.

Welcome to my world!