! am, sCh!z◘-

I waited…….

yet,

you never came.

Untitled

Like a thousand waves unfold and break into the shore

Sailed on from the depths of the sea

Amidst the winds’ and storms’ grandeur

Cease to touch pieces of stone…

Like a field of flowers bloom into an array of colors

Surpassed and tamed the harsh weather..

Sprout in spring‘s galore

Fade and wither when autumn calls..

Like a song with its sweetest lines

Perfected in a velvety wave of sound

However soft, however fine..

Ends after the last note reaches the timeline..

No matter how great anything could be

Like waves, like flowers, like a song..

After a while…

All fades into the memory..

Subukan ko nmn maging melodramatic :

Kung ang buhay ay para lamang isang napakalungkot na kanta, ikasisiya ko na maging isang himig, mga taludtod na bubuo ng isang awitin. Gaano man kalungkot ang ihahatid nito sa mga nakikinig, pag natapos na ang kanta, ang pait na dulot nito ay kasamang mawawala sa ere. Diba? Kaya pangarap kong maging kanta.

Mamimiss ko kayong lahat.

ANGEL -Sarah Mclachlan

Spend all your time waiting

For that second chance

For a break that would make it okay

Theres always one reason

To feel not good enough

And its hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction

Oh beautiful release

Memory seeps from my veins

Let me be empty

And weightless and maybe

Ill find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel

Fly away from here

From this dark cold hotel room

And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

Youre in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line

And everywhere you turn

Theres vultures and thieves at your back

And the storm keeps on twisting

You keep on building the lie

That you make up for all that you lack

It dont make no difference

Escaping one last time

Its easier to believe in this sweet madness oh

This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

Ang Tandang , bow!

May naglalarong kademonyohan na nmn sa isip ko ngayon. Ay dibaga? Kelan ko nmn hindi kinaya ang mang tikis? Oha, sinong sumuko? ( me laughing witch-like, hihihihi)

Some things never change.

Pero tats na tats ako dun. Weeee.

Bigla tuloy hinila ako pabalik. Pebrero 2000. Kasi balentyms dey ba nun kaya tayo nagkabati sa simbahan. Naalala mo? Kundi ba nmn tayo saksakan ng taas ng mga ihi, sa araw araw na nabubundol natin ang isa’t isa sa kusina, pinto ng kwarto, sala, pati na sa pinto ng CR, dapat mandin ay bati na tayo. Pero kasi nga masakit ng unti sa pride na ako ang una babati, ay utot mo. Sukdulang dumugo ang tenga ko sa lakas ng radyo wag lang kitang mapansin habang ikaw nmn ay nag eemote na tulog sa kwarto. Odiba? Ang bongga ng mga arteh nten! Manang mana ka sa nanay mo talaga! Ako nmn, ay awan baga ah! Basta manang mana ako sa pinagmanahan ko. Hahahah! Ilang linggo din yun. Biglang nanamlay ang mga kabugakan natin. Nakakatuwa lang isipin na kahit pa inatikis kita ng kainaman ay kabaligtaran ka nmn. Kaya nuong nasa simbahan tayo, ay diga maluha luha ka na nung sinabi mo na, “ sori na mandin.” Kakagalit agad ay, anung bisaya mo pa rin managalog. Hahaha! Na-tats ako pero syempre pakipot muna ng unti bago ngumiti. (hihi)

Sadyang hindi ko inasadya na tumahimik ng ilang buwan. Kagaya ng dati, feel ko lang. Ikaw nmn gulping igsi ng hapin, nag isip agad ng mga ka ek-ekan. Kilala mo nmn ako, “ayaw mong umimik? E di wag mo.. as If affected ako?”

Sabi ko na sayo, tigilan mo na pagtira ng rugby, ayan tuloy lagi kang high. (haha)

Mga padali mo hindi swak.

Yung istayl mo palpak!

Pero SALAMAT IKAW ANG UNANG PUMUTAK.

Pwedeng Bagang Makisawsaw din? Anung galit ko agad wari.:P

Just as much as i despise the scandal that had brought Hayden Kho, Katrina Halili and several other women into the spotlight, building up chaos along the streets of quiapo and divisoria just to grab a copy of the CD, making way for politicians (especially those that are aiming for an office this upcoming election ) to run an errand, acting as if they are so much into the issue and that they “SYMPATHIZE” with the victims. ( whoever they “really” are) During the hearing this afternoon, binuhusan ng tubig ng isang pulitiko c Hayden Kho. WTF?! Hoy Abner, sobrang linis mo nmn yata? Oo nga, mali at degrading sa mga kababaihan ang ginawa ni Kho, all the points have been made already. Pero alam mo din ba na ang LUST at GLUTTONY are of the same level? Nakakatawa lang at nakakalungkot at the same time dahil kung makapang husga ka ng tao ay parang sobrang linis ng naging buhay mo? Hindi ka ba naging “ manyak” (forgive me for the term ) sa buong buhay mo? Sabi nga ni Santino, bumato ang walang nagawang kasalanan. Ikaw mayor bakit ka bumato? Anung buti mo siguro ano?

- just my two cents -

Nabuhay tuloy ang page ko dahil dito. Syet.

Kambing Mode

Ang mga araw ay patuloy na mapipitas sa nagsasangang inog ng panahon,

Ang salitan ng dilim at liwanag ay ganun din.

Yayabong ang mumunting supling ng kahapon,

Uusbong ang kalingang itinanim.

Sino ang lumimot?

Ang araw sa lambong na idinulot ng dapithapon?

Ang ulan sa tigang na lupa?

Masasabi bang paglimot ang dagliang pagkawala?

Ate katz, Mama, Dadi, Ate Dan, Kuya Joel, Yangtots, Kersipot..

Hindi ako nakakalimot.

Tag ulan pa kasi eh.

Kambing mode lang.

Miss ko na kayo.

Si kaye at ang LSS ko

” HE BROKE UP WITH ME ” , she blurted without hesitations. Then came few more words in equally huge font; ” HINDI NYA AKO MATANGGAP”.

I was about to stipulate a filament of comforting words to cheer her up yet they all got choked up in my throat. I don’t know but I suddenly embarked myself on a speck of eeriness not because this is so new to me ( heck, I have been dealing with issues like this since the last millennium! ) but because she is my sister. And mind you, elder sister. Let me elaborate this further. How can I possibly appear adamant and ms-i-know-everything (duh!) before my ate when the moment I started walking, she was out running with her friends already and the time that I was a beginner, all sweat inscribing the ABC on the pad, she was writing cursive in all its wonder?! All I ever sought to learn, she learned first. LOVE. HATRED. Simultaneously.

Few of her heartaches I’ve been a bystander, always geared up to placate or perhaps to mock if the situation allows mockery. However, I never fail to evoke in my conscious mind that she was HURT and the PAIN was real.. and yes, it was PAINFUL.

The conversation we had last week was one among the few yet decent talks we ever did in our entire existence. Plain and simple. As if my veins cringe tightly close along with a nostalgic apparition of a so dead past as she went on typing. The words momentarily clogged my air passage giving way to a subtle death. Dejavu? Whew!

From hurting to mending and eventually falling in love again and again and again, I was there watching and learning from her slip-ups. I was there chipping in with her so cheesy kiligs. I was there to poke fun at her when she blushes sheepishly like a kid as the teasing goes louder. I was there when the thrill and the pleasure of loving subsided before her very eyes. Just there always within her reach.

I know her way to mending will be tough but she will cope in the long run and with all optimism ( which am so not! ) cupid’s arrow wont miss a potential target this time around.

Nakiki-connive pa ang LSS ko.

“ It’s the lover not the love who broke your heart last night..It’s the lover not the dream that didn’t work out right..If you listen to your heart, ohh you know it’s true..It’s the lover not the love who deserted you …“

hguonEmAI

I have run out of things to blather on lately. I don’t know but I’ve been battling with this squeamish icky feeling I park myself on each time my oh-so-beautiful-mind squeezes juicy thoughts yet I bulge in distress trying to make lemonade out of it. A sluggish yet severe silence that is neither good nor bad, just there. I could feel the urge to thump on the q w e r t y and the a s d f g the moment I come in close contact with the board, but heck I could not write a thing!

Piling up all hassles and bustles inside my brain, I am technically half dead! I’ve stopped watching the shows in Disney channel. I’ve not keeping up much on emails, blogs, forums and anything in line with those. Been kind of absent, been kinda sick. But maybe these things aren’t vital to define LIFE and LIVING.

It isn’t an imperative to keep up with the digital slingers all the time. I mean they are just chewing gums that our tongue and teeth masticate to pass away boredom and then spew out after wringing its flavour. Maybe at one point we need to be just with our own selves and hibernate there at the very core. Maybe this very breath that I unenervately grasp every now and then is a life that I squander in giving, loving and vice versa. I love it. It gives me the feeling that I am living, for real. Maybe that is enough. Maybe I am enough.

Sweet.

** Sabi nmn ng utak ko sa kbilang side.. CHEESY!!!

Most Loved 2

I have a vague recollection of my childhood. Most of it perhaps I spent wandering in deep slumber while my antibodies were at war trying to defeat a multitude army of allergens. Though some retained in its most vivid form. My hippocampus must have played bias on my forebrain for when a wave of recurrences strike, it is him that I remember too well.

“An only child alone and wild, a cabinet maker’s son. His hands were meant for different work and his heart was known to none… “

He was a tyrant ruler. You know, the usual father figure that we see on tv. He yell, he command, he drink, he smoke, he gamble. All of that which perversion of the common norms will allow, he claimed it

“ He left his home and went his lone in solitary ways. And he gave to me a gift I know I never can repay.. “

Nearly 3 years old, a typhoon annihilated our place, leaving our house devastated and our life shattered. I remember moving in to different houses 3 or 4 times? Until we finally own one. In that house, I saw him laugh and joke and dance and play. I heard him sing and played the guitar. We built a home. He made it possible.

“He earned his love through discipline, a thundering velvet hand. His gentle means of sculpting souls took me years to understand.. “

I never really tried to decipher or perhaps comprehend the ditch of his thoughts that would probably elucidate his discordance. It is conformity that dragged me then to loving and respecting him. Yet, when the day is done and the lights turned off, he was at home with us. I nodded along with the thought that he might still be the best father in the making. I was right.

“ The leader of the band is tired and his eyes are growing old. But his blood runs through my instrument and his song is in my soul.. “

I was so not sentient the time he started being the best. Can’t even recall how the transformation happened. What instilled in my heart were the songs that clutched us together during rainy seasons. And boy I was glad it was longer than the dry season! His face now with fine lines of wrinkles, his hair has sprouts of gray. Yet still his consistency in being the best, the most loving father in world never grows old.

“My life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man. I’m just a living legacy to the leader of the band..”

The two most loved.

Most Loved 1

I used to get a little distracted with her being so “kind” to everyone. Soft-spoken. Slow to anger. Easily forgives. Always has a ready smile. It tend to get a little annoying for her frailty transpires to almost everyone, even to those who take advantage of it. I remember one time I told her, “ Pwede bang magalit ka nmn, kahit one time lang?”. She turned to me and threw me the sweetest smile, that same familiar smile she used to give me when I went home sobbing because my playmate torn my paper doll. I was seeking for alliance in her but in my dismay she went past me smiling and started a sketch of another soon to be tattered doll. “ Pagpasensyahan mo na lang, ikaw ang mas nakakaunawa, ikaw ang umintindi”. Oh do I get irked with her almost saintly litany.

I grew up reluctant of becoming like her. Not because I despise what she had become in her upbringing but because I knew I could never steal even a slight glint of purity in her eyes. Oftentimes I was taken aback by her faith. She is a certified God fanatic which I antagonized (minsan lang nmn, heheh) with my logically stated justification of things and later on find myself illogical that which I never admit. I was the exact opposite of her, and so I thought.

Having been out here for quite sometime already, being away from her for the longest time plus the idle hours my innocence swept away, I recuperated. I looked at her eyes and felt like looking in my own. The replica of a unsubstantial entity yet a shade of warmth to the weak. I was turning out to be like her, yes ,BUT A LITTLE LESS HOLY.

The two most loved.